hjdoom

Saddened to learn of the death of one of Northampton's great characters. I think I knew George since we moved to this town over a decade ago. He was one of the friendliest and gentlest of Northampton's cast of street people and even when I didn't have any spare change her was always happy to just talk for a few minutes. He's the third person largely living on the streets I've known in Northampton who has died (I'm hoping that the fourth has made good on his promise to move back to the North and that's why I haven't seen him in a while). It's nice that his death has made the local news; he was very much a part of the town, and he touched a lot of lives in a positive way. He'll be remembered for the simple reason that he was kind and gentle and I can't think of a better epitaph.

https://www.northamptonchron.co.uk/news/people/tributes-paid-to-well-known-northampton-homeless-man-who-sadly-died-this-week-3854903

I recently wrote an EP of electro folk murder ballads and it's out today. Four narrative songs of murder and mayhem by my own fair hand. It's free to own.

https://malesperi.bandcamp.com/album/bastard-man-of-ruin

I haven't released any new music in a while. It's not that I haven't been writing it's that nothing has quite made it over the line. I've been making music more for myself and my own peace of mind or, occasionally as a minor act of devotion. What drew me back was needing music to listen to while studying. That got me back into Dungeon Synth. Dungeon Synth evolved out of black metal, a form of dark ambient music made with a deliberately lo-fi aesthetic. It's classical music as imagined by people obsessed with Tolkein who don't really listen to classical music made using the most primitive of keyboard sounds. I found a nice emulated 80s Casio keyboard with an appropriately tinny sound, banged some reverb on it and tried to bash out four tracks. I worked quickly, trying to maintain a DIY punk approach to the music, a weird thing to do with slow moving ambient sounds but completely necessary for the right ambience. I did no mastering and very little finessing of the sound. The result is linked below. It's free to download and a reminder that I can still do melody if I want to, I just usually choose not to.

https://malesperi.bandcamp.com/album/where-graves-are-empty

Judas

Was it that he sought to turn back the clock
Return to the time before he walked
The land in thirst, among the barren stalks
Preaching repentance to the rain parched rocks

And small sullen crowds that crowed and jeered
So that he shook the dust from sandalled feet
And sloped on through fields of withered wheat
Cursing the sender he had once revered?

Did he believe His death would set him free
Erase the years spent in disciple’s toil
And retire from roaming Galilee?

Or was it destiny that made him plot
With Satan, humble saviour’s scheme to foil
Embracing hell that traitor’s kiss had bought?

My father died a couple of days ago. He had been ill for some time. I wasn't there at the end because I have a severely herniated disk in my lower back pressing on the sciatic nerve. I have shooting pain pretty much constantly which becomes agonising at certain points. In particular sitting causes horrendous discomfort which has made travel impossible. So I wasn't able to see him before he died and I haven't been able to go up and support my mother. Thankfully my sister has really stepped up to the plate but it's been an incredibly frustrating as well as a sad time.

The NHS has been less than helpful. I have an appointment to see a surgeon in June with most surgeries happening within 41 weeks. Being crippled and in agony for most of a year doesn't really appeal and happily there's enough family resources to go private. I have seen a surgeon in Cambridge (the journey over was a nightmare) and I should be getting a quote and a time slot very soon. My hope is that I might be able to make longer journeys in time for my father's funeral.

It's been a rough week but I still consider myself fortunate because my mental health has been fairly solid. Dreadful though the pain is I'll take over depression. I might not have been able to see my father but I got to speak to him the day he died and I'm experiencing the full range of emotions associated with grief. Once I get my back fixed I'll be able to be useful to my family. That's not something that would be true of depressive episodes which are much more open ended.

All this is interfacing very badly with trying to do a degree but I've got a decent academic work ethic and thankfully I'm only in my first year so there's nothing too challenging involved. It's only because of my father's generosity that I'm studying at all, he pushed me to do another degree because he knew study is powerfully good for my mental health. I'll be living that legacy for a long time. Difficult times but times filled with gratitude as well, not least to Marcus who has been an absolute rock.

Two faintly interesting things have happened to me recently.

1. I got to participate in a games jam. This games jam to be precise. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-northamptonshire-59152360 We’ve done the first session and I’ve done some additional writing before the second and final session on Monday. It’s been good fun and a welcome reminder that I can deal with people if there’s something sufficiently engaging on the table.

2. I’ve been accepted for a distance learning Theology degree with Aberdeen. This means, for the next three years at least, I won’t technically be a work shy layabout* I’ll be a full time student. Studying is usually good for my mental health so I’m hoping for a decent three year run of not feeling too terrible which would be nice.

*I will still totally be a work shy layabout

Interior. Day. HJDoom sits at a desk. He is alternately rolling dice and scribbling in a note book. Oliver enters.

Oliver: Whatcha doing?
HJDoom: Working. Leave me alone.
Oliver: Working. Right. Finishing the correction on that novel are you?
HJDoom: No. Other work.
Oliver: Right. Other work. You mean you're working on finishing the adventure game book you promised your patrons you would have done by Christmas.
HJDoom: Well, no. Not quite that. Similar though.
Oliver: Are you copy editing the roleplaying game about crazed religious zealots you wrote six months ago and haven't touched since you play tested it precisely once?
HJDoom: No. Different other work. Important work.
Oliver: I see. And what's this important work?
HJDoom: I'm writing a new game. It's going to be great.
Oliver: Is it?
HJDoom: Maybe not great. But good. And fun. Definitely not a complete waste of time.
Oliver: What is this amazing new game about?
HJDoom: I'm trying to write a system that will let you simulate TV cartoons from the 80s and early 90s. Everything from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Biker Mice from Mars. They've got underlying commonalities you see and I reckon I can create a simple system that will enable people to play their own games set in the Street Sharks universe just as easily as Captain Planet!
Oliver: You think there's a big untapped demand for a generic roleplaying system that will allow people to act out Bravestar fan fiction?
HJDoom: Not a big market as such...
Oliver: That's not even what you're really doing though is it.
HJDoom: Yes it is!
Oliver: Are you lying?
HJDoom: Lying is a bit strong. You could totally use the underlying structure as a generic system for modelling old action cartoons.
Oliver: But you're doing something a little more specific aren't you?
HJDoom: ...
Oliver: Sorry. I didn't catch that.
HJDoom: maybe..
Oliver: Is that maybe spelled 'He-Man RPG'?
HJDoom: It's not as stupid is as you're making out. Lots of people are nostalgic for the 80s. They've just done a new cartoon. Kevin Smith wrote it. Everyone's really cross.
Oliver: But that's not why you're doing it is it?
HJDoom: Not as such.
Oliver: You're just trying to create a theoretical model of the universe where a man having a slightly longer metal neck is as good as being able to fly.
HJDoom: Yes. That's exactly what I'm doing.
Oliver: And how long have you been doing that?
HJDoom: About eight hours on and off.
Oliver: And have you succeeded?
HJDoom: No. But I'm close. I can feel it. A roleplaying game where Mechaneck is a viable character is just around the corner.
Oliver: I'm beginning to understand why we're not millionaires.

1.

I’m at home when my trick front tooth suddenly falls out. I can feel something moving in the hole. I reach inside and pull out a long millipede that’s apparently been living in my upper jaw.

2.

I’m offered the chance to demo the next evolution of VR headsets which I am told can interface directly with the brain to create wondrous illusions. A doctor embeds a bluetooth device in my next and they plug me into the VR helmet. I see nothing, just an infinite black void. I scream and they take the helmet off. The doctor tells me that this happens to some people, their brains just refuse to interface with the illusion. They don’t know why it happens.

3.

Travelling on a bus I become aware that the man sitting opposite me looks almost exactly like Adolf Hitler, only without the moustache. He tells me he is a Hitler impersonator. I want to ask him why he doesn’t have the little moustache but feel it would be rude. We get off at the same stop and enter a bookshop together. The real Adolf Hitler is giving a reading from his new book. When he sees the impersonator he becomes enraged and beats him to death with a box full of wet concrete. The box breaks and the concrete runs out to cover the dead man’s face. Everyone in the bookshop looks embarrassed.

Fairly sure I’ve just enjoyed a second bout of coronavirus. Thankfully it was just as a mild as the first time round but it necessitated twenty four hours in bed and light duties for several days following. Happily Marcus does not seem to have caught it. Since he had it badly his body hopefully churned out a whole bunch of antibodies while my immune system, cocky to a fault, has opted to take its chances. I assume I picked it up at the supermarket Where the good people of Northampton are taking a very relaxed approach to social distancing. I knew going outside was a mistake.

Another minor annoyance was finishing a story where I had a particular publication in mind and then discovering that I missed the submission window by two days. There’s other places I can shill it but I’m not particularly optimistic. The horror market for short fiction is both crowded and shrinking. I’ve got a couple of science fiction stories on the go that might turn into something saleable but I suspect my unwillingness to cleave to the current mass market style of writing will probably make them less attractive. I remind myself that Samuel Delany managed to smuggle a highly affected literary style into science fiction but then I remember he had to take a teaching job to pay the bills and he’s a much better writer than I will ever be. So it goes.

It’s been a strange way to celebrate my first Easter as a practicing Christian. There’s definitely some elements that I’m very sad to have missed out on, not least my confirmation which I have to accept may be some considerable distance away yet. It would have been lovely to observe the Easter vigil in church and I do miss the celebration of mass in a beautiful setting, particularly of course participating in the sacrament.

However it hasn’t all been bad. Our rector has been diligent about live-streaming mass each day which has meant that my day has still had a liturgical shape to it. A background in the Western occult tradition means that I’m very comfortable with the idea of worship as an individual pursuit, I’m arguably more comfortable with that than the practice of public worship. Without the distraction of other people around me I’ve been able to engage more internally with the liturgy and with the symbolic representations of the words and gestures of the celebrant. Again this is something that a background in ritual magic makes somewhat easier to manage.

The discipline of Lent has been a definite positive. I chose to give up alcohol for the duration and for the last 52 days I have, barring two lapses, remained entirely sober. It’s been tough, I do like a drink, but I’m pleased to discover that offering things up to Christ is easier for me than giving things up because it seems like a good idea. I don’t much care about myself, not in a dramatic way, I’m just moderately indifferent to the idea of my own suffering or death. This makes personal development tricky because I don’t have much of an emotional attachment to the outcomes. Lent has allowed me to take a significant break from alcohol for the first time in a while and I’m hoping that I can carry on developing a healthier relationship with booze right after I finish the giant bottle of vodka I bought to celebrate.

All things considered it’s been a very fine first Easter and I think the sense of separation between myself and the church has reminded me strongly that ceremony is only ever a means to an end, even the Eucharist. The desert fathers who innovated the role of the Christian hermit were able to find in solitude a deep personal relationship with The Divine absent the structures of liturgy which were, in case, still inchoate in the third century. All religious practices are, in essence, what Foucault termed technologies of self. They begin and end with the self but they are not purely solipsistic since technologies are, by their very nature, agents of change. They either create, promote, slow, or arrest something measurable. I think in my observance of this Easter season I can measure changes both external and internal that bring me closer to the one thing I seek above all other things; peace.