Rubbish times
Mar. 12th, 2022 09:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hjdoomMy father died a couple of days ago. He had been ill for some time. I wasn't there at the end because I have a severely herniated disk in my lower back pressing on the sciatic nerve. I have shooting pain pretty much constantly which becomes agonising at certain points. In particular sitting causes horrendous discomfort which has made travel impossible. So I wasn't able to see him before he died and I haven't been able to go up and support my mother. Thankfully my sister has really stepped up to the plate but it's been an incredibly frustrating as well as a sad time.
The NHS has been less than helpful. I have an appointment to see a surgeon in June with most surgeries happening within 41 weeks. Being crippled and in agony for most of a year doesn't really appeal and happily there's enough family resources to go private. I have seen a surgeon in Cambridge (the journey over was a nightmare) and I should be getting a quote and a time slot very soon. My hope is that I might be able to make longer journeys in time for my father's funeral.
It's been a rough week but I still consider myself fortunate because my mental health has been fairly solid. Dreadful though the pain is I'll take over depression. I might not have been able to see my father but I got to speak to him the day he died and I'm experiencing the full range of emotions associated with grief. Once I get my back fixed I'll be able to be useful to my family. That's not something that would be true of depressive episodes which are much more open ended.
All this is interfacing very badly with trying to do a degree but I've got a decent academic work ethic and thankfully I'm only in my first year so there's nothing too challenging involved. It's only because of my father's generosity that I'm studying at all, he pushed me to do another degree because he knew study is powerfully good for my mental health. I'll be living that legacy for a long time. Difficult times but times filled with gratitude as well, not least to Marcus who has been an absolute rock.
The NHS has been less than helpful. I have an appointment to see a surgeon in June with most surgeries happening within 41 weeks. Being crippled and in agony for most of a year doesn't really appeal and happily there's enough family resources to go private. I have seen a surgeon in Cambridge (the journey over was a nightmare) and I should be getting a quote and a time slot very soon. My hope is that I might be able to make longer journeys in time for my father's funeral.
It's been a rough week but I still consider myself fortunate because my mental health has been fairly solid. Dreadful though the pain is I'll take over depression. I might not have been able to see my father but I got to speak to him the day he died and I'm experiencing the full range of emotions associated with grief. Once I get my back fixed I'll be able to be useful to my family. That's not something that would be true of depressive episodes which are much more open ended.
All this is interfacing very badly with trying to do a degree but I've got a decent academic work ethic and thankfully I'm only in my first year so there's nothing too challenging involved. It's only because of my father's generosity that I'm studying at all, he pushed me to do another degree because he knew study is powerfully good for my mental health. I'll be living that legacy for a long time. Difficult times but times filled with gratitude as well, not least to Marcus who has been an absolute rock.
